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The Triple Bind

If you haven’t read Hinshaw’s The Triple Bind you need to…

 

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“Impossible expectations — Blue jeans and “blue” genes *(love this analogy)* : depression and the triple bind — Life in the pressure cooker : impossible expectations and the culture of busy-ness — No place to run, no place to hide : the popular culture of “self-erasing identities” — When virtue is its own punishment : how empathy and verbal skills may put our girls at higher risk — Bratz dolls and pussycat dolls : teaching our girls to become sexual objects — The wired child : how cyberculture interferes with girls’ identities — See Jane hit : the new culture of violence among teenage girls — Is there a triple bind solution? — Conclusion: coming to terms with the triple bind.”

 

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While I’m playing with WP Themes -my creative side itches- I’ve been curious what other parents and those who have found their path towards healing, recovery and well being from their eating disorder find gives them greatest support and sustains them throughout? At your most difficult times, what has buoyed and held you steady, lifted you up and got you through (like my friend Ganesha up there)? 

Do you wish some things could have been done better in hindsight, wished clinicians, treatment providers, community resources, insurance, etc. could have known perhaps more than you, practicing with up-to-date, evidenced-based research and data vs rehashing false and painful stereotypes that can keep a family from getting the best care possible? And that  everyone worked more as a cohesive whole vs fragmented, inconsistent, and leaving too many gaps for uncertainty and misunderstanding– or worse barely any informative communication or basic follow up to keep focus on the best methods towards recovery and support?

And if you were/are a parent(s), caregivers, extended-family, siblings do you wish there would have been services that encompassed and included the entire family, and not just for weekly family therapy sessions, the once a month “Family & Friends” events held at treatment centers.  But further additional healing and supportive measures like what is comprised in most respite centers/facilities and typically standard for family members when a child has cancer, or any other major life-threatening illness. 

All of us know that ED’s are potentially life-threatening if proper treatment and nutritional support are not addressed, and the sooner diagnosis is made and intelligent, comprehensive action taken, the better the chances recovery can be, and less relapsing and monumental expenses for the revolving door of IP, OP, residential, IOP, etc. care.

Being a parent of an adolescent with an ED, there are unique aspects to what parents and family members need, your life and “time” seem to come to complete stops and starts depending on where the progression of the illness may be, how many extra hands there are to pitch in when you need time to take care of yourself, take care of other siblings, reconnect with spouses, get some perspective, and to keep centered and strong. 

If I were to draw a graph of how our family has progressed through our daughter’s illness, it would have some deep dips and high escalations, and many dotted straight lines– but not always clearly defined and consistent (thinking about this makes me want to create just such a map/graph!)  Sometimes things seem to just “click” and things move forward without much ado; but there are other times when it seems the cyclone of ED can just demolish the very health and Life of an entire household, leaving pulverized rubble and ruin that needs the utmost and gentlest of care and compassion– those are the moments when all your resources get pulled together and you roll up your sleeves and get down to business– you take action and you may find setbacks galore, but you also find incredible inner resilience, Hope, courage and more Love than you ever realized was always there. 

Moments like these can also be some of the most magnificent and humbling of points within our human experience …

 I feel a deep human need to collectively share these experiences, swap stories- like sharing a recipe!- connect with others who “get it” and aren’t going to be dismissive, discourteous, judgmental or even worse, think I’m a bit over-the-top… off my rocker… box ‘o crack ‘o jack, etc. 

And I think if it weren’t for the Internet of collective voices, fellow parental-comraderie and individuals such as an incredible Mom who hosts a forum for parents to find one another, along with so many of you whom I’ve met virtual-via email, your websites/blogs, etc. and found such amazing insight and resolve into this illness– I do feel I would have felt much more isolated and possibly a bit more despairing (I say a bit since my Finnish ancestry is laced with “SISU” = strength… so this would not have lasted long) but it also points to the reality of the importance to support and encourage one another through the recovery and healing process within eating disorders.  To make certain adequate treatment is delivered, proper support and resources are available in all demographics. 

Change is still quite snail-paced within ED’s, so I think our collective voices and efforts however big or small DO matter and make a difference.

Now if only I could get some of the ladoos (Indian sweet) that Ganesha is holding… my rant would be complete.

-shanti

 

 

APF/Getty Images  Bertrand Guay

There is quite a bit of debate heating up lately, even over at ATDT parents are sharing their thoughts on this topic, regarding recent legistlation created by France lawmaker Valerie Boyer that France is passing towards imposing strict fines, even imprisonment against the proliferation and promotion of “pro-ana/mia” within websites, media images, the fashion industry and beyond that continue to hightlight clearly unhealthy anorexic/ED’d-looking, emaciated ultra-thin bodies– “legislating body weight” some are finger-waging. 

The reviews and feedback are certainly mixed, some downright misinformedstiil -and so sorely one-sided which to me only illuminates just how complex these issues are; and more importantly  how much more of this conversation and dialogue needs to keep happening and developing.

I haven’t delved into a full exploration of my opinions on this yet, but I do think while we can’t police every site, ban every image, twisted ideal there certainly is something that we are all responding and reacting to when we see someone who looks so severely malnourished, skeletal and unwell. 

As a mother of a daughter who suffers from Anorexia Nerovsa I do have an immediate heartwrenching reaction to this issue, and do believe there is not just a “personal” responsiblity but public and social conscience we all need to be connected to and address at some basic level without turning a blind-eye and pretending none of this has any impact on society whatsoever– clearly it does.

Advocacy

“It’s about opening up the doors and ending the shadow of discrimination against the mentally ill.”

-Patrick Kennedy 

Today’s news is quite uplifting.   And the 268-148 vote does speak to the dire need to continue towards enacting mental-health parity and mandating health insurance coverage equal to that of physical illness for mental health  and addiction.  I think Paul Wellstone would be encouraged to see some progress being made after nearly a decade of back and forth bi-partisan bickering and huge corporate influence , (and currently, to no one’s surprise, big-ph-arm Eli Lilly  is really throwing a tantrum!), to strangle this vital legislation.

And there are plenty of critics who are rallying this victory as “mental-health insanity” and clearly looking only at their own financial dunk, but it’s truly time to stop stigmatizing those with mental illness who clearly need the same standard of quality care and treatment that any sane society would not withhold or financially ruin one with personally while working towards full health, healing and recovery.

I, unfortunately live in a state that does not currently have mental-health parity- yet.  But I was impressed to read an in depth study done last spring by the La Follette School of Public Affairs in our state, that despite not having all the conclusive data to make absolute recommendations regarding mental-health parity, has incredibly convincing and thought-provoking details putting to bunk some of the primary reasoning against implementing mental-health parity that I would encourage anyone interested in advocating for mental health disparity to read.   These studies really can be applied and adapted for further critique and implemented across all states, so that we will eventually see more than thirteen states that have adopted mental-health parity law.

-shanti

ADHD and Me

Does this sound familiar?

“It’s nearly always easier to relate to someone who’s been through it than a so-called expert who may have clinical or scientific knowledge but not real experience.”

“ADHD –  _____ (substitute any subcategory of an eating disorder in here) is a real condition…  It’s not laziness or bad parenting…  When it’s carefully diagnosed the problems are quite serious, and the effects on ones life can be devastating.”

“There are so many qualities that come along with ADHD: intelligence, high energy, the ability to accomplish a lot, creativity, passion for cause, innovativeness, trustworthiness, etc.  But the trick is you have to learn how to live with it and harness it.  It is a difference.  Realize you have lots of company.”

College freshman, BlakeTaylor  has written an earnest and significant memoir:  ADHD & Me: What I Learned from Lighting Fires at the Dinner Table (Laura, how about some gold forks and fire at the Dinner Table?) and his story is testament to living a life to its fullest despite some definite challenges and changes along the way.

There’s a poignant evolution in language, terminology- 1902- “Morbid Defect of Moral Control”* 1968- “Hyper-kinetic Reaction of Childhood”* 1980- Attention Deficit Disorder* 1990- ADD-  and awareness that has taken place over the past hundred-plus years which, similar to Eating Disorders, has also expanded studies and research broadening the level of understanding Attention Deficit Disorder has arrived at today.  But as within eating disorders, the labeling and categorizing hasn’t critically changed perceptions and stereotypes that still pervade within society, or within extensivley improving treatment strategies for these disorders which have profound impact upon an individuals development, quality of life, and effects within the entire family.  

Mr Taylor states that he didn’t set out to write a book, and from accounts,  it appears his story is a first within an autobiographical narrative living with ADHD.  On that end, eating disorders has a bit of an edge with various self-help books, and courageous personal stories of recovery:  Carrie Arnold’s   Next To NothingNadia Shivali’s   Inside Out among many others; although the male voice is not equally as strong or heard on this end currently.

I think what’s incredibly powerful and uniting is the message of “encouraging people to get the support and help they need” that Mr Taylor emphasizes, as too the many who have recovered from an eating disorder state over and over again- you don’t have to do this alone, and YOU CAN DO IT! Blake’s mother, Nadine, shares another message many parents who help their children battle an eating disorder know all to well also: advocating for your loved one.

Congratulations Blake Taylor for your courage, honest words, and changing minds regarding living a kick-ass life with ADHD- I wish you the best towards your degree in molecular/cell biology, and I’m looking forward to reading more of your future writings on various genres soon.  I also extend kudos to all the brave and resilient voices who have written about their journey through recovery from an eating disorder, and hope those who might feel isolated or uncertain where to turn for support,  find strength and encouragement through amazing individuals such as these.

hearts 

It’s a day filled with LOVE– 

Voltaire wrote:  Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by imagination which is such an eloquent phrase, and so affecting to me having a daughter who is courageously challenging her anorexia- and winning back (embroidering)  her true self each day.  

Those of us with a child, family member, and/or friend who are suffering with an eating disorder know we have to be both Head & Heart for our loved ones;  it’s a duality that few seem to have the discernment and wisdom to forewarn us about on this journey to wholeness and health.   Most in the medical community still keep us at arms-length when it comes to offering up the most humane, balanced and adequately researched strategies to implement within supporting our loved ones that emphasize such an expanded “imagination” or creativity that not only empowers the sufferer, but works towards healing the entire family/support network of the sufferer- metaphorically this would require the most sophisticated embroidery needle and elevated imagination that can stitch a warm, comforting Love quilt for anyone to find shelter, solace, comfort and wisdom (and most likely made with fleece).

I also think it’s imperative, absolutely crucial to Love thyself unconditionally, and that dear friends, includes the parents, the extended family members, friends, etc.- your entire collective clan, blood-linked and other surrogate compassionate souls- Tending & Befriending– embracing life as it stands, even making peace with pain, uncertainty and discomfort; all of which we most certainly are no stranger to.

So on this Valentine’s Day I wish for all of you to embrace yourselves, your loved ones with the deepest sense of honor, open-heartedness, self-acceptance and Love

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your

                                         love and affection.”

                                                    -Buddha

Joyeuse Saint-Valentin!

                              

                                      

              

                                      

                                   

For Keeps      Some reviews have been posted for Victoria Zackheim’s new anthology   For Keeps: Women Tell the Truth About Their Bodies, Growing Older and Acceptance  worth taking a look at as well and reading her latest work. 

Words and our collective voices have the power to heal.  Of course that task is not so straight forward in ED recovery of our children, but they too need to find their way back to their true Selves pre/post-ED; get beyond the entrenched self-loathing, negative self-talk perpetuated by malnutrition and rigid/ritualized behaviors.  And through regaining their health, with continued love and support, they begin to slowly find their own sense of strength, determination, self-acceptance and healing.

Zackheim’s collection of essays is especially meaningful for mothers and daughters,  reconnecting to one another and finding joy vs abhorrence through our stages of Life and change, which society and our culture still seem hellbent on perpetuating unrealistic ideals.

Parents need to maintain a sense of themselves, separate through their child’s recovery from an eating disorder.  They need to take time for themselves, self-care/self-love, and for one another, as a family with other siblings, and within a marriage, relationship.  It’s important to find others who support and comfort you through your child’s illness, and other parents who share your struggle are absolutely invaluable in helping one another which culminates its own collective of powerful and healing stories.

Shanti-

End Health Discrimination
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